My biggest regret in life

*I have about 20 minutes to free hand this blog... I fear it will not do justice...

I usually blog on political/economic issues.  For you that read my blog, you know this to be true.  I often discuss controversial issues here as well that I believe are of great importance.  Today I was moved to tears in my apartment.  I was not trying to think upon regrets I have made in life.  But circumstances in my life made me think and dwell on this issue for a few minutes.

I have regrets everyone does and to say you have none is a cliche of dishonesty.  Only Jesus has lived a life on earth of no regret.  I have made decisions, made friends with people, had relationships with people, done things professionally, and been lazy at times and regret those things.  I regret not having more mental toughness and it causing me to have a shortened baseball career and deal with anxiety and insomnia at times.  Although am am thrilled to say that I experience far less of that now than before probably due to weight loss and being in the best shape of my life since my early twenties.  But no doubt those regrets are so small compared to the biggest regret of my life.

I probably spent more time with my Dad than 95% of children growing up.  We were together a lot especially during baseball season.  But the fact is today I am reaping some of the bad decisions I made in regards to not spending more QUALITY time with him.  My hot water heater went out yesterday.  I live in an apartment so maintenance took care of it.  I have a screen door that is messed up and a light in the kitchen that has wiring issues.  Luckily I live in an apartment complex and its an easy call to have it fixed.  As a child my dad was brilliant... well he still is.  He can work with wood, flooring, electrical work and his specialty area is with plumbing.  All qualities that allow a man to well be a man.  I want a family one day and to be honest, I've thought about that in the last few months more than normal for personal reasons.  But the reality is that I feel at times that I do not offer what it takes to be a good father.  I love kids and would be a good parent, but a good husband and father? I'm not sure.

My parents were and are awesome and did a good job raising me.  But to be a Man, to be a father, to be the Man of the house that I need and wish to be, required me to do a bit more when I was young.  And today I feel inadequate because I was not motivated to learn many of the things my dad tried to teach me.  Now don't get me wrong, he taught me a lot and I can do a little and I believe he did what he could to prepare me for manhood.  But the reality is that I could have went with him on jobs more, and when I went, if I had been more motivated I could have made that more quality time.  I feel that I would own a house if I was confident in the areas that my dad is brilliant in.  And I am to blame for not doing more to acquire that knowledge from him.

Today I feel my life is held back because of those decisions.  I regret it so much.  I have learned so much from my parents and can hardly point to a weakness of them.  But as a son I failed because I feel less of a man today because I did not take the time to trust him that I needed to know those skills.  Today I feel my life, personal, and professional are held back due to this regret.  I can't be the person I want to be to people because of my ignorance that is born out of being ignorant as a young man and not wanting to spend more time with my dad.

As a coach and teacher I try to tell my kids that one of the most important things you can learn at a young age is how IGNORANT you are.  Some think that might bash a persons self-esteem.  Well maybe.  But ignorance abounds in all of us.  And the fact is if my students and players can have their self-esteem in check at this age that's better than having regrets later in life.  I have to persuade them to trust me that the material I go over will come in "handy" and be helpful to you in the future even if you don't care about it now.  Players who choose not to work on their game in the off-season will regret it when they can't hit a game winning shot late in the game and miss out on a chance to reach their full potential as a player and team.  But most kids are too ignorant to really fully buy into that.  And that sometimes angers or annoys me.

But days like today remind me that I was once there.  And at a young age we feel like we have so many answers and this or that is not important.  Well I love my dad and am so thankful that he forced me to work with him some and learn some of those skills.  But I so regret not desiring to spend more quality time with him so that I can be a better man today.  So many things have happened to me, well actually I feel that so many great things have NOT been able to happen to me lately because I can't provide the type of qualities that my dad had and that I could have gotten from him if I had realized how ignorant I was and important those qualities were to learn at that age.

Young people especially, spend as much time with leaders and mentors of your life as you can.  Admitting you are ignorant today might hurt your self-esteem a bit.  But that is better than to live life with regrets that were so easily avoidable back then.